To mark Capital of Culture n 2008 I wrote this. It was about my window cleaner who said one day."I'd love to go to the ballet but it's not for the likes of me. . ."

Kulture Shock

Ssh! Don't tell me mates
But I've just been to see Swan Lake
Saw one of those adverts . .. you know the type

"Two for the price of one," I fall for that hype.
I only bought one you see
Didn't want any of the blokes in the factory
Thinking there was something dodgy about me
Couldn't cope with stick 'n' arty palarva
So I went to the box office
And I wore my Liverpool FC balaclava
The show was mind-blowingly great
And it didn't half look like a proper lake
All these birds dressed as birds
Doesn't it sound dead absurd
No words, singing or any of that South Bank Show stuff
Honest, after the break I couldn't get enough
In my view they all desrved an Oscar
Now I'm going to the opera to see something called Tosca
Cos' after the brilliant ballet I said aloud 'that was dead sound'
Just like being in a posh footy ground
I left that warm theatre for the outside cold
No one recognised me when I went to the pub
And has swan for the road.

Peter Grant c 2007 From the forthcoming anthology DELUDED

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